The Perpetual Help You Need After Cancer Treatment

It’s not always just physical. Too often we don’t listen to our emotional and spiritual needs.

As I sit here, five years after my last breast cancer treatment, I think about my mental state at that time. And somehow my mind wanders all the way back to Sister Marie, my 7th grade teacher at Our Lady of Perpetual Help.

You did not mess with Sister Marie.

She was stoic and stern, with silvery white short hair. She didn’t wear a habit but a rotation of the same three blouses and skirts every week. She always told us she was married to God. I often wondered if there was good circulation to her ring finger, as her flesh folded over the tight gold band she wore to represent her commitment to Him. Her passion for her vocation was unfaltering. She was a pillar of indomitable strength. 

I distinctly remember one day in religion class, we were talking about how God talks to us, and how she hears him so clearly. She told us to close our eyes and quiet down. I sat at my desk with my eyes closed and wondered why I didn’t hear anything. I wondered if my classmates heard Him or if they were wondering like me. And then Sister’s strong voice came in as our eyes were still closed, and she said, “If you are not hearing Him, you are not listening close enough.” I opened one eye and thought, “What the hell is she talking about?” But there she sat, at the front of the room with her hands folded on her desk and her eyes closed. Her feeling of peace radiated through the room. It was evident, she heard. 

Years later, when my breast cancer treatments ended, I did not feel like I was radiating peace. I could not manage my emotions. It was up and down and sideways — with so many big drops. I am used to feeling highs and lows from my career in selling real estate. I have learned over the years how to ride the waves, and while at times I do worry or panic, I know the tides will change and everything will be OK. But this wave I was on seemed to be never-ending, and the waters were rough. 

I would cry all the time, for reasons I understood and for reasons I did not. I was so deeply depressed, yet trying to remain grateful. Grateful because I know there are so many others that had it far worse than I did and some are no longer here to even be sad. But I couldn’t pull myself out, and I needed help.

Help for the Mind

So, what did I do? I was already in therapy, but therapy alone was not cutting it. I called my favorite GP nurse practitioner, Elizabeth Legorreta, and went to see her. I sat down with her and told her I felt like a raging lunatic that couldn’t stop crying. There were not too many highs, but my lows were so low and constant. We carefully chose what we thought would be the best antidepressant for me. I admit that I was a little reluctant to use medication, I wanted to be able to depend on myself and not on a pill. But I also knew in my heart of hearts that I needed the help. Beth and I made a plan. We would take it six months at a time. We would re-evaluate, but I needed to stay on for at least six months and let the medication help level me off. I followed the plan, and the medication helped. (Bonus: It also helped level off the hot flashes triggered by my treatment.)

“I know it’s not always going to be easy, and many times the positive feelings were and are fleeting, but I have the capacity within myself to stay standing.”

The medication helped. I was not a crying mess all of the time, but I needed to find a way to start believing in myself. I went outside of the box and met with a spiritual healer.  It was in  the church of what I have been taught but, it was a different pew, so to speak.(or same church, different pew, you know? )  I needed something that was going to speak to my inner core.  I think this is different for all of us. If my mom was to need something, she would find it gardening or in her needle point, and if my Dad needed something, he would find it working out or straightening the fringe on every rug in the house.  We each have our own thing, and it was time for me to find mine.  

Help for the Soul

My spirit was crushed, and my soul needed nurturing. I needed to believe again that there is something bigger out there, that someone or something has my back even though I may not be able to see it. I needed to feel it. 

I sought spiritual guidance in my own way from a personal coach and healer. Through the process, I felt connected to the support of others, both here and in spirit. But more than anything, I believe I was reconnected to myself, a higher self than what is present on this earth. A spirit that burns so bright for me, that always tells me to believe in myself and encourages me to live with valor. I learned how to breathe back into my body to help bring energy into the parts that were completely broken. I learned how to talk to my mind and body and learned how to lead with encouragement for the future by staying present rather than yearning for who I was before this all happened.  

I know it’s not always going to be easy and many times the positive feelings were and are fleeting but I have the capacity within myself to stay standing. I still falter, fear and worry, and then I close my eyes, fold my hands, and quiet down. To my amazement, the answers come fast, they are definitive and rooted in my soul’s truth, not in the chaos. Sister Marie’s advice didn’t fall on deaf ears; they fell on young ears. I couldn’t hear then because I didn’t know how to listen from the inside out. I don’t know if it’s me or if it’s God — maybe it’s Sister Marie — but what I do know is that I have the perpetual help I need. 

It’s inside of me. It always has been. I just needed help finding it.