Q&A: A Partner’s Perspective on Sex and Support
Mike Debrizzo remembers when his wife, Marissa Lanzito, got that dreaded phone call with a cancer diagnosis — even if it didn’t feel real at first.
He also remembers, in detail, everything that followed. The moments of doubt and uncertainty. The need to push physical intimacy to the side for the time being. The desire to be a strong partner, even when he didn’t feel strong all the time.
For a partner’s perspective, Mike and Marissa sat down to talk about everything from sex to decision-making to looking at new boobs together. Their conversation is below.
Marissa: What was your initial reaction to my diagnosis? Because it was just a phone call. We weren’t expecting anything.
Mike: No, my initial reaction was shock, I guess at first. And I didn't believe it, but it hit home after half an hour.
Marissa: And what was your biggest fear? When I got my diagnosis?
Mike: Losing you. But that did change over time? I felt pretty confident after speaking to the doctors and after finding out you would be okay. But it took a while. It was tough the first couple weeks. I really thought maybe you would die.
Marissa: And then what were you thinking about when I went through my treatment? How did you feel?
Mike: It sucked. It sucked seeing you like that. It sucked seeing you bald and bloated and sickly looking. You didn't look like yourself. You looked sick. You looked like you belonged in that cancer ward. I felt so bad for you. I did. I felt like, “This sucks that you have to go through this.”
Marissa: Was sex even a part of your thinking at that point?
Mike: It was off the books. There was no sex.
You felt awful. We had two little kids. I just knew there wouldn’t be sex for awhile and I had to be OK with that.
Marissa: Did that bother you?
Mike: Sure. I want sex all the time, so yeah. But I knew that it was just something we were faced with.
Marissa: Okay, what was your reaction when you found out I was going to move forward with a bilateral mastectomy? I was a candidate for a lumpectomy, but it didn’t sit well with me. And I felt when we were in rooms with doctors that you didn't agree with my decision at first.
Mike: It felt extreme. It really did. But then after hearing there was a chance you wouldn’t have to do radiation or have mammograms every 6 months, I knew that was the right decision for you. You don’t do well mentally when you have to get scanned.
Marissa: I know. But then when we got to go and look at boobs together at the plastic surgeon’s, you know, the porn star booby time. You didn’t mind that, right?
Mike: No, that was a great day! They look great.
Marissa: Thanks. I think they look great too. But, you know, I had a hard time with my body. I felt like my boobs were rock hard. They didn’t look like they look now at first. It took a while for them to calm down and not be bruised. What was it like for you? I knew that you liked me anyway — because you were stuck with me at this point.
Mike: They didn’t look great at first because you were swollen. You were sore. But they look fine now. They’re beautiful.
Marissa: So you didn’t have a problem whatsoever with my new body?
Mike: No, I didn’t. You were here.
Marissa: So how were you thinking about intimacy when I wasn’t really there yet? Were you just thinking, “I’m going have to find other ways,” or just, “It’s a work in progress.”
Mike: Like I said, it was off the books. It was just our lives, and I was busy with the kids while you were not feeling well after treatment.
Marissa: What moments were the most difficult for you?
Mike: As far as the beginning? That there were so many unanswered questions and a feeling of being in constant limbo. I remember specifically being in our yard with the kids on Argyle [Street] and watching you through the sliding glass doors. You were dancing in the kitchen all by yourself. And I know if you are dancing by yourself something is going on.
Marissa: I remember that too.
Mike: I thought, “This could be it. I might lose her.”
Marissa: I know. I used to dance when I’d get really scared. So basically I should be a professional dancer at this point because I’m living in a state of fear. But I remember that day specifically. And then on the flip side, was there a moment when you thought, “We might be alright”?
Mike: I think after surgery. You had the greatest doctors as you know, and they were so comforting and they were so positive about everything. We didn’t know for a bit after surgery whether you were going to need further treatment or not. I know you were holding out hope that you wouldn’t. But once we found out that you did, I thought, ‘“OK, we are going to do everything we have to do to make sure you are going to be here.” I was confident with everyone there and the fact that I thought you were gonna come through it, and you have.
Marissa: What part of the whole experience was the weirdest for you?
Mike: This (interview) is the weirdest part. I don’t know if any of it was weird. A lot of it was challenging. A lot of it was sad. A lot of it was tough. What was weird for you?
Marissa: Well, there were just weird things with your body. Because your body’s doing things that it doesn't normally do. And then you don't know if that's normal. And then I want to be intimate with you, but then I also was like, it doesn't feel good. I don't feel good. And trying to find ways around that, like, like when I went to the dispensary for a CBD lube and things like that, that's weird.
Mike: OK, yeah, that was weird. It was supposed to numb your hoo-haa?
Marissa: I don’t know. It was just supposed to make it feel better. I don’t even know if it did at that point. Is there anything you wish that you would’ve done differently or wish would've happened differently? I guess we wish none of it would’ve happened, but…
Mike: I wish I would’ve handled myself differently. I drank to deal with emotions and feelings at night, and I’m not proud of that. Maybe talking to somebody that had been through it would have helped. I was there for it all, but I could’ve used some advice at times.
Marissa: So would you be willing to talk to other people? What advice would you have for somebody that’s going through the same thing that you went through?
Mike: As tough as it may be, you have to just suck it up and deal with all the stuff that comes your way. Because you have to be strong for your partner, even though you may not feel strong. You have to show that you are strong because they’re at their weakest moments. So you have to be there for them and know that, when they look at you, they have to feel like everything’s going to be all right. Even if you don’t believe it.
Marissa: Yeah. And you get so much practice with that, because I constantly think I have something wrong with me.
Mike: Doing this interview is annoying, but I love you still, and you’re here. We’re happy about that.
